Disclaimer: I do not have the proper education or qualifications to discuss this topic professionally. Everything below is my personal perspective, based on my own experience, and should not be treated as advice. Please think for yourself.
A change can occur through various ways and on its own schedule.
How do we know we've changed?
- You have a deep, inner feeling that something isn't right or isn't working as it should.
- It hits you that you can't just keep going through life as usual.
- You start to care about things you didn't before, and this new sense of responsibility gives you a boost of energy.
The more details you get right about the change, the closer to the bottom of that list you will feel. That feeling means that change has already occurred but hasn't yet been fully embodied.
Changes bring some tweaks to how we see ourselves and the world around us. Accepting that some of our beliefs and behaviors are no longer accurate means opening up to change and taking the first real step toward embodying it.
The biggest problem with change is that it rejects parts, and sometimes the entirety, of our old self. In response to such an attack, we reject the change.
The usual (and wrong) way to deal with it.
Trying to embody change while still holding onto your old way of operating is a Sisyphean task – it only leads to superficial progress and a sense of being busy.
Circling in the desert:
- When it comes to making decisions about what to do or how to do it, you often fall back on your old decision-making patterns, logic, ethics, motivations, needs, and goals, as well as the same old story you tell yourself (and others) about who you are.
- Another thing is that you might start putting things off or making up extra conditions and requirements because you're not sure of how much you'll enjoy life according to your tweaked beliefs and behaviors.
- It gets even worse when our stubbornness takes over on the wrong path because our ego has been hurt. We took a chance, attended to a call for something new, and failed. But we are not quitters. We recall what used to work best for us, mentally set ourselves up for success, and then charge full speed into another lap around nowhere.
After repeating this exhausting and pointless exercise several times, you'll begin to see that change as a threat to who you are and the world as you know it. Problems will not be long in coming.
We don't like thinking of ourselves as losers. That is why we need to rationalize this whole experience in some way. We blame it on outside factors that were working against us. Or we attach it as a little side quest to our old story in a way that makes us look good.
So, we end up harming ourselves twice:
- We value our old selves less because we recall trying to escape from them and those moments of excitement when we pursued something new.
- Our new selves die because we never took full responsibility for them and didn't put in enough effort to fully embody them.
That's how one can turn oneself into a zombie.
Self-actualization
Rationality is beneficial for our daily lives, but when it comes to figuring out who we are or what we should do with our lives, it is simply not enough. The world is too big and complex for that, and trying to rationalize it doesn't get us very far.
Emotions, no matter how prominent their role in enriching our experience, appeal to the animal side of us, and handing over decisions to that part doesn't feel right.
Even our brain works against us as it operates with a focus on energy efficiency, recognizing patterns, and seeking predictability. When we try to embody change, it requires energy-draining workloads, new (and unpredictable) behaviors, and new (and as yet incoherent) ideas.
So, what can we actually rely on?
This is the most challenging aspect because it's impossible to put into clear words, and everyone likely experiences it in their unique way.
The main thing to go by is this motiveless and intuitive knowing that a particular outcome is right for you at this point in your life.
But don't think it's that easy. Because everything about your old life will resist, interfere, and try to distract you from the way. Embodying the change often involves adjustments to decision-making patterns, logic, ethics, motivation, needs, goals, and the story about who you are.
That's how one can turn knowing the truth into serving the truth.
Do It Playfully
We're walking around with a baggage of artifacts from the years we've lived through. They all become material for the story we tell ourselves (and others) about who we are. Whether we realize it or not, this story gets involved in every decision we make.
Change needs space and applied experience to be embodied. The easiest way to think about this is in terms of a conflict between your old self and your new self.
You need to separate the beliefs and behaviors that serve your new self best from those that pull you back on your previous course. We constantly encounter internal and external triggers, so when making a decision, it helps to label options according to which self they belong to.
Think ahead of potential issues that future you will face during decision-making and create a plan to move around them. It should help you reduce the number of times you automatically slip back into your previous way of operating.
The word 'no' is the key to this whole process. It breaks up established internal and external patterns and norms, activating your conscious awareness.
Identify things that were previously part of how you describe yourself that are no longer true. Once you realize that such things exist, it will be much easier to recognize them in the future. While saying no to things, activities, goals, plans, and people that were part of your life just yesterday can be tough, it gets easier and even feels good because you are asserting loyalty to the new you.
There might be some new ideas or behaviors you are particularly worried about. Design and run simple experiments using the riskiest assumption test to gather more insights and move forward.
Imagine you are going on a trip to a place you have never visited before, where you will stay for an unknown amount of time, and you can take only one piece of luggage with you:
- You need to pack the stuff that works for the place and foreseeable occasions, and put the rest in a rented storage unit.
- Starting with the bare essentials and consciously building from there. It may not be the things you love the most, but rather those that are most suitable for the journey.
- Eventually, you'll head back to that storage unit and find out that some of that stuff isn't really needed anymore.
Focusing on reexamining and refining the story you tell about yourself:
- Honestly admit all the facts about your life, even the ones you've swept under the rug.
- Draw out a timeline of your life.
- Highlight the key facts that have had the most significant impact on your life.
- Figure out the point where your new story begins (often, this is not the point at which the change occurred).
- Give all the key facts a functional meaning in the context of your new story (how they helped shape it).
- Figure out what's driving the new story from the heart of it.
- Map out the direction your new story is heading.
- Think of ways to improve the accuracy of your actions to proceed forward in your new story.
The bigger the change that has happened to you, the higher up the list you should start and work your way down to the bottom.
Don't expect quick wins. Instead, focus on practicing self-actualization, updating your beliefs, and building new behaviors until they become natural. There are going to be problems, times when you drift off the way, moments when you get a step back to the old self – none of that matters. Get back on track as quickly as possible and gradually build momentum.
Afterword
Self-actualization won't save you from life's difficulties. Actually, it's going to keep bringing you new problems, usually right when you've just figured out how to deal with the old ones. But it also opens up a path to meeting things you didn't even know you could have.
Self-actualization means attending to the call of adventure, and hopefully bringing some good to the world.
“…But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.”